Elf and safety

We’re approaching that time of year again! Yes, the big ‘C’ – that’s Compliance, of course. Ho-ho-hold my standard operating procedure!

Safety, health and wellbeing are taken seriously by Mr Claus, who takes every precaution to protect the reindeer and elves from harm. He adheres to International Sleigh Operations standard ISO 1225: Global Sleigh Operations and Reindeer-Powered Aviation Safety. So, grab onto your baubles as we explore the most complex delivery service on the planet.

Ethics

Privacy – Santa gets consent from parents for Elf on the Shelf surveillance and operates a strict No Snooping Policy when delivering presents. He is careful to visit properties with access granted through requests for gifts.

The naughty and nice list – Decisions are overseen by the Independent Elf Review Board. Children can appeal and Santa supports a Random Acts of Kindness Bonus System where kids on the naughty list can get back on the nice list in time.

Animal welfare – Overseen by the Reindeer Wellbeing Charter, the reindeer are treated to a delicious lichen buffet to keep their energy at a spritely level.

Health and wellbeing

Hypothermia – To combat cold Arctic temperatures and high altitudes, Santa wears super thermal long johns and marshmallow hand warmers.

Hypoxia from high altitudes – Easily rectified with oxygen-infused candy canes. Reindeer flight also boosts airflow and oxygenation to the sleigh cabin.

Circadian disruption – Santa gradually shifts his sleep time in preparation for Christmas, napping in rotating time-zone pods built by elves.

Jet lag – By traveling west, from time zone to time zone, Santa extends the night and has more time for his deliveries.

G-forces – Santa and the reindeer are subjected to up to 17,500 Gs with the stop/start nature of visiting so many houses. This effect is counteracted through a magic inertia bubble.

Fatigue – Santa always has a pep in his step on Christmas eve. On-sleigh elf baristas serve espresso-nog on demand and after his shift he has 364 days off
to rest and recuperate.

High calorie intake – Concerned about Santa’s weight, Mrs Claus has implemented a cookie-moderation policy, cookie-tracking smartwatch and carrot-counter app (for the reindeer).

Occupational safety

Manual handling – Lifting is eliminated through a clever toy-bag levitation charm.

Working at height – Santa wears a candy-cane fall-arrest harness when on roofs.

Confined spaces – Santa is fully trained in confined space risks and has a spotter elf on chimney tops, with emergency retrieval tinsel rope and cinnamon spray to grease the chimney as needed.

Driver distractions – Sleigh Mode is always enabled when in flight.

Airborne collisions – Santa blasts a magical horn when in flight that plays Jingle Bells on blast mode. Rudolph’s
red nose is ideal for warning aircraft.

Workshop injuries – Mrs Claus chairs the Elf and Safety Committee and ensures weekly audits are completed, and that tinsel bandages are at hand for instant healing of bumps and bruises.

Atmospheric conditions

Extreme weather and cosmic radiation – Santa’s sleigh is protected by a festive forcefield, powered by Christmas spirit.

Turbulence – The sleigh is fitted with magic cupholders, while the sleigh is fitted with liquorice seatbelts.

Occupational sky risks

Speed – Santa’s sleigh travels at 3,000 times the speed of light and is fitted with a hyper-responsive collision-avoidance system to ensure safe and reliable flight.

Sleigh malfunction – Malfunctions are rare but they can occur – AAA (Arctic Aerial Assistance) is on standby.

Navigational errors – Rudolph’s nose is GPS-enabled. Software updates are loaded following each carrot break to ensure the flightpath is always accurate.

Environmental risks

Methane emissions – The reindeer’s carbon footprint is neutralised by methane-neutral reindeer feed in the days leading up to Christmas eve.

Air travel – It takes 9.3 million megawatts of energy to power Santa’s sleigh around the world on Christmas eve. It’s a good thing that Christmas cheer is renewable!

Energy – The elves harvest energy from the Northern Lights. It’s a festive solar panel for auroras – so clever.

Merry Christmas, everyone!